Setting the Scene

There I was all settled with my “you pick 2” in my favorite self-declared free office space. Living next door to a Panera is a blessing and a curse. On this day, it lived up to its paradoxical existence.

While sitting with my laptop, notebooks, and mediterranean veggie sandwich I was JUST about to put my headphones in when a loud conversation at the table next to me caused me to listen a little closer. I was seated next to a table of 4 high school boys. Why did I stop? Their conversation made me sick to my stomach. They were speaking about girls they had taken to last year’s junior prom while criticizing the way some of the girls looked. They were high fiving each other about what they were able to “get” the girls to do. One boy said “As long as I didn’t have to look at her face, it was great!” 

They were laughing and cheering as if the women were pawns, entertainment, and certainly not people. There it was — that moment when the fire in your belly is about to define whether you show us as crazy postal worker OR Rosa Parks. It would have been easy not to say something, but I just couldn’t. I didn’t know the girls that they were speaking of, but I was aching for those girls. I wanted to know who they were. I wanted to tell them to STOP and believe that there are good people out there, and that they don’t have to throw themselves at anyone to be loved or to have a prom date.  also was present to that this is what we accept as “typical young male behavior.” “Boys will be boys” cliches were NOT cutting it for me.

The look….

II took a deep breath and looked over at the table and just said “GUYS!” I stared at them for a little and they all stared at me. I let there be a tiny moment of silence and I let them see the sadness in my eyes. (ENTER — Former high school teacher STARE) I calmly spoke: “I am sorry — but I need to tell you that how you are talking about these girls is disgusting and its sad, and its making me sick.” Two of them began to smirk a little, but the other two got it. They looked ashamed and knew they were wrong. One began to apologize. “Don’t apologize…and its not a joke…just think about what you are saying – seriously.” We all went back to our sandwiches and they definitely changed their tune. I could see actual thinking in at least the eyes of two of them.

The Reflection

This conversation brings up a multitude of social issues such related to how we teach men to respect not only women, but themselves. It calls us to speak to young women about love and what it is and what it isn’t. We can no longer chalk everything up to hormones. This is a cop out. We have to teach people how to relate to themselves and others as whole human beings, worthy of respect and love. This impacts our parenting, our education systems, our spiritual practices, how our organizations run, and so much more. The “how” of this is exactly what Get Smart is working on and committed to through our programs and services.

Daniel Goleman, an American Psychologist did not coin the term emotional intelligence, but he did begin to turn it into a household name with his book of the same name. As long as we continue to ignore that knowledge of self and others is at the heart of everything we produce or don’t produce, we’ve got a problem. What was missing from these boys that day? I’ll leave that to Goleman:

“Empathy: This is perhaps the second-most important element of emotional intelligence. Empathy is the ability to identify with and understand the wants, needs, and viewpoints of those around you. People with empathy are good at recognizing the feelings of others, even when those feelings may not be obvious. As a result, empathetic people are usually excellent at managing relationships, listening, and relating to others. They avoid stereotyping and judging too quickly, and they live their lives in a very open, honest way.” 

As much as I felt for the girls, I too felt for the boys. Which is why I did not shame them or call them names, I simply called them out on their behavior. How sad must it be for another to derive joy out of degrading others, regardless of gender. I feel for the individual that has not received enough empathy themselves such that they can’t possess it for another.

The Action

I got to work with my fellow Get Smart Gal creative genuises Cristina Ramos and Caroline Byrne. Between the three of us we knew that the month of the “Get Smart Guy” being NOW, February 2014 was no accident. So we figured we’d find a few good men and ask them some questions to help us understand a little more about men, and to show you men of character. They do exist and there are a lot of them.

We must however do everything in our power to continue to impact the people and systems that influence who we are, who we become, and our ability to understand ourselves and others. That is what Get Smart is all about. Please meet our “Get Smart Guys.” We think they are pretty amazing.