Sitting in my cozy corner in my favorite donut shop, sipping on hot chocolate and munching a double chocolate cake donut, I stop for a second and appreciate all of the people around me doing the same.

There are the love birds, giggling and feeding each other (who does that?). Hiding behind my laptop screen, I can’t help but eavesdrop on two teenage girls at the table across from mine. “Don’t try so hard. He’s supposed to like you for who you are.”  I won’t go into details, but the girl tried explaining to her friend how we don’t need to be someone we’re not with the hope of being liked by a boy. Or anyone, for that matter.

This resonated with me so much that it had me thinking long after the two girls walked out of the donut shop. How many times have you heard “Don’t try so hard” in your life? More importantly, how many times have we actually agreed and stuck to it? You try to change yourself to be accepted, but is this the person you want to be?

You keep hearing and reading about how you’re supposed to build yourself, create a life that will help you to be happy. But, I believe that there’s no particular way to lead a life or “create” yourself. Why? Simply because you can’t create yourself. You only find yourself. Of course, this doesn’t happen overnight. There are experiences in life that help you find who you are. Everyone has different experiences that they go through in the course of their life and that’s what makes them unique. Yet, we fail to understand that and try to fit in so that we think we’ll be accepted. Society and the media put all of these unrealistic expectations on us and force us to please everyone else but ourselves. Instead, try knowing yourself. It’s the process of knowing yourself, the human being and individual, on a much deeper level than the surface. It is beyond figuring out your favorite color or music album. It will be an unpredictable road that will bring you face-to-face with deeper insecurities and doubts. While this may be tough to cope with, the benefits compensate for the costs.

Five Steps to Help you Find Yourself

1. Emphasize self-reflection: This is tricky. Living in a society that imposes its expectations on you, it often happens that you lose track of who you really are. It is important to go the extra mile to discover yourself. We all have two voices in our heads and one of those voices is what society wants us to think. But it’s important to listen to the voice that’s getting drowned out. If meditation and other traditional means don’t work for you, it helps to choose a more factual method. There are various tests online that help figure out personality types, like the Myers-Briggs Personality Test.

2. Pledge Allegiance to Your Passion: Everyone has a passion. You may not have found it just yet, but that doesn’t mean you won’t. It is a process of trial and error. And this could be a long, exhausting and frustrating process. There are certain values that will help you through the process. For me, they are honesty, kindness, and loyalty. As with most things that require hard work and dedication, the positive outcome erases all lingering doubt.

3. Create your own norms: A lot of us go through life subconsciously liking what others like because it’s popular or “cool,” and disliking what’s not. You conform to social norms because you don’t want to feel left out. Take time to think of what your likes and dislikes are and define them to develop a sense of clarity. This takes guts but it is liberating and freeing.

4. Develop a sense of purpose: Your dreams are important and they matter. They are worth going after. There will be times when you will feel they might never become a reality. But, be patient and determined. Celebrate and glorify them instead of shying away. Remember, perseverance is the key.

5. Know your body and embrace it. How well do you know your body? Have you ever said “my body can’t do that” without even trying a physical challenge? The human body is full of imperfections. Over the years, media has put forth the perfect body you need to have to feel beautiful. But, have you thought of all the great things you’ve accomplished with your “imperfections”? Test your abilities, your limits, and flexibilities. You’ll be surprised.

Find yourself, get to know yourself, and embrace yourself. Everyone else will follow suit.

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