“Ha, that’s so retarded.”

I froze. My mouth opened to say something – anything – but I simply stared at the person who had just uttered the insult I hated so much. My mom’s friend, at least thirty years my elder, didn’t miss a beat, clearly not realizing that his word choice had made me uncomfortable.

I am a strong proponent of eliminating the “r-word,” as I believe that using it to define something as stupid or unreasonable is extremely hurtful to people with disabilities. My friends and close family members have all heard my spiel at least once about the negative effects of this slang word. I signed a pledge, campaigned others to do the same, and own a t-shirt that proudly states “End The R-Word.”

But in that moment, I was speechless. How was I, a teenager, supposed to vocalize my opinions to this grown man – even if it was something I was passionate about?

The moment passed, and I didn’t say anything.

I had a quiet realization in this moment: it was much easier to speak up in situations in which I didn’t feel like I was stepping on anyone’s toes. To tell my best friend how I felt about something, for example, was much less intimidating than to confront a stranger, or even a family friend.

Since this encounter, I have come up with three steps to help me speak up in a situation that doesn’t feel totally comfortable:

1. Take a second. Why is this issue important to you? As I was faced with this situation, I was preoccupied with who I was talking to rather than the issue at hand. Take a quick second to think about what you’re passionate about and what it means to you. This helps me to reorient my thinking – our opinions are important, and they deserve to be heard.

2. Know your stuff. It’ll make you more confident if you feel well-versed in a topic you’re passionate about. This doesn’t always necessarily mean reading articles or doing research (although sometimes it might), but rather having a key point you want to make. For example, when explaining to someone why the r-word is harmful, I often use a concise, ready-to-go sentence: “This word has a negative connotation and is often used to describe something stupid – not the way I think you’d describe someone with disabilities.” I have found this technique to be helpful not only in proving a point to other people, but also in empowering me to speak up because I know I have something to say.

3. Meet yourself where you are. Speaking up doesn’t always mean direct confrontation. If you’re comfortable sharing an article on Facebook, do that. If you’re comfortable engaging a parent or friend in a slightly unnerving conversation, do that. If you’re comfortable participating in a march or protest, do that. Once you’ve realized what you’re comfortable doing, you’ll be able to identify small steps you can take to push your envelope. Perhaps the next time a situation arises in which you want to speak up, you’ll feel comfortable doing just a little bit more.

Realize what you can do, and give yourself credit for taking steps to fight problems and speaking up about issues that you care about!