Recently this past week, a good friend’s conversation reminded me of one of my favorite quotes:

“You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” ~ Buddha

For the past week, I have been preparing this post in my mind. #NoFear14 has manifested itself into two groups of women — a group in their late teens- early 20’s and a group of my peers, speaking weekly to support each other in taking tangible actions to overcome fear.

As I reflected on some of my 2014 goals and resolutions, I was challenged to look deeper into my ongoing path of health and weight-loss, and my desire to create a loving partnership with a great man.

I started going through old pictures and found the one that is in the upper right hand corner of this collage. All three pictures are of me. One at about 2 years old, one at about 23, and one right now. It is tempting to look at weight at think it is about food, or laziness. Wearing your fear on your body is so much more complex than you can imagine.

I did not lose all of my weight without assistance. In 2002 I had weight-loss surgery and lost over 125 lbs. I did however gain back about 40 of those lbs which I battled with for the past 11 years. In 2013, I shed and kept them all off. To become the woman on the left, I had to go back and love the little girl on the bottom right hand corner, and develop deep compassion for the 23 year old who had endured much hurt and pain that included severe bullying during those awkward teen years. She was literally carrying an extra person on her body, longing to be free. I learned to become grateful for my past in many ways, since it allows me to lift others up, it is not in vain; at its core it has purpose.

LESS me, MORE love.

By Summer 2013, I was at my lowest weight as an adult and I never felt more confident and beautiful. Something began to happen. I have always been a sensitive soul, but as I became more of an ihabitant of my body and feeling truly beautiful, I felt more. I could sense more. With less of me, it was easier to feel, and this was scary. It’s not the bad kind of scary — it was the good kind. My heart’s capacity is so vast. Being overweight is a protectant from many things — from love, intimacy, from feeling. As my senses heightened, I began to connect with men in an entirely new way, seeing myself as actually beautiful and captivating.

I learned something very important — that it was not just women who had this capacity for sensitivity and deep profound love, that men had an equal capacity. Many lessons came my way in the summer of 2013 which opened my eyes to the true beauty of all beings. This made me think a lot about Get Smart, and our mission. Alexa and I want to empower women but we also want to make sure that “girl power”  doesn’t mean dishonoring men. We want Get Smart to empower EVERYONE. As we go forward in 2014, we will be expanding and widening our scope to include men in our mission and message.

And perhaps that is life imitating, life. I have many wonderful men who have touched my heart and inspired me beyond measure. I am blessed with wonderful friends, relationships that taught me lessons, and heartbreaks that opened my heart to new ways of loving. Now I will invite them in a new way into my heart, knowing the worth of the one that beats inside of me. I will also continue my journey of health and well-being. I will however NOT be a slave to a scale and numbers, shame and guilt. None of this is powerful. It is all a form of fear.

So what the heck is #NoFear14 anyway??

#NoFear14 is not about ERADICATING Fear. I am terrified! It is scary to think of my body changing more and feeling more, and being even more available to myself and others.

#NoFear14 is about saying NO to FEAR when it wants to play the starring role in my life. When it comes up I will feel it. I will let it wash over me, but I will not let it own me.

Along the way, myself and other Get Smart Gals  (and guys!) will share our journey, in hope that you might tell fear just where to go as well. Say NO to the F word!!

Above all else, you must know that no matter who you are, or the size of your jeans, whether male or female, straight or gay, tall or short, rich or poor, your job in life is to uncover one of the most beautiful things in the universe: love. Looking for it outside yourself suggests that it is not already within you. It is not under a rock, in a love song, in a movie, or in an inspiring Facebook quote. It is right there with you. As you give life to the love within you, the rest of the world will follow suit.

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Always,

Steph