I will never fully understand why some people hold grudges or bad feelings toward another person. Or, in contrast, why people get so concerned and dismayed when they see you forgive someone.

People can be cons; I get that. We’ve all given someone a chance, knowing it very well could blow up in our face and then (ha, no surprise) it did. This leaves you wondering, how could I have been so stupid to trust them, and worse, foolish enough to forgive them?

I’ll tell you now, it’s because forgiveness feels good. So, don’t confuse it with naivety. Forgiveness is in no way stupid. It doesn’t mean you have to suddenly forget or ignore what that person did to wrong you, but it also doesn’t mean you have to hold it over their head, or worse, inside of yours. Forgiveness is a risk, but how else are we supposed to learn? We build character and understanding from taking risks and sharing experiences with other people – take that as you will – but, to me, forgiveness is growth.

When we don’t forgive, we are actually giving someone else the power to literally control our mind. If a single thought about this person and what they did that beckons the need for forgiveness could give you any type of negative feeling, why would you want that in your life? Isn’t it easier to try and understand a person so you can move on with your life and take things as they are?

When we forgive someone, we’re accepting that it “is what it is.” Forgiveness doesn’t always mean accepting apologies then acting like nothing happened, but it certainly does mean letting go of negative feelings. It is acceptance of a person’s behaviors, and willingness to not begrudge them or believe that that behavior is all that person is. It is choosing to remain kind, even when you don’t quite want to. Even if the person may not deserve that kind of civility from you.

The way I see it, when you don’t forgive, you’re holding yourself prisoner to the actions of someone who may or may not even care about how they affected you. If you feel a person deserves hostility and a cold shoulder because they hurt you, wouldn’t that mean you’re being spiteful, or seeking revenge? Carrying those painful feelings only holds you back from letting go, and feeling good.

I know that not all cases are worth you trying to understand those who wronged you; some acts are truly unforgivable and worth pretending that those people don’t exist. Which is fine and true. But sometimes, we need to take a step back and try to understand others in order to better understand ourselves, and grow from being hurt, rather than projecting that anger back out to the world.

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